


true kinda love

by Dabberdees



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief, Let's Make it Gay, because why not, bi!graham
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 22:27:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20713544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabberdees/pseuds/Dabberdees
Summary: The Doctor and Graham talk about loss.Set directly after It Takes You Away.





	true kinda love

One sheep, two sheep, three sheep- Is apparently meant to make you fall asleep, turns out that was a load of old horseshit that he was told. With a sigh of frustration. Graham rolls onto his back, alert eyes staring straight ahead at the curious ceiling above him. It’s a blend of different things, almost impossible to make it out properly, but it is soothing in a way, he supposes, which offers some comfort at least when he isn’t tossing and turning, kicking the quilt off him and then placing it across again.

He watches the ceiling for a moment; hands rested across his chest as his mind drifts away, zoning in on what happened in Norway. It was cruel, that’s what the Doc said to him when she tried to catch him.

_‘Graham, if you need to talk-’_

_‘I’m fine-” He lies easily._

_‘Graham,’ The Doctor says, voice filled with concern. ‘What happened in there was cruel, you-’_

_‘Doc,’ Graham says, weakly. ‘She wasn’t real, the Grace I knew is gone, she was just a fake.’ He smiles at the Doctor before turning and leaving the console room without saying anything else._

And if he’s honest with himself, he doesn’t really know why he didn’t take up the Doc’s offer of a chat. They’ve spoken about things before, back when he first started travelling with her, back when insomnia at night was at it’s worse.

But now? He’s not sure. Perhaps it because he knows her more and he doesn’t want to drop his troubles all on her, but that's not precisely it because this time it’s not just about Grace, and he’s not sure he wants to really discuss it. Not sure if he really wants to open that can of worms again.

Graham takes a deep breath and turns his head to the side, eyes locking against his phone. He dreads looking at the time, and to be fair, it really doesn't matter what time it is in a ship that travels in it, but he needs to know how far away or how close ‘_morning_’ is.

He reaches over and grabs it, thumb pressing the button on the side as eyes squint at the brightness from the screen.

‘_02:37_’

Not to bad then, there’s still chance he could get something, but honestly? Graham doubts that he will. Too much has happened today for that blessed gesture to hit him. Still, he should try because he hardly wants to be running from things trying to kill them with next to no sleep. He did that a few times, in the beginning, he doesn't want to do it again.

But it’s elusive, and out of his reach for the time being, so he lies there instead counting sheep with one hand gripped around his phone and the other snaking out to where Grace would be and where they would be. The coldness of what would’ve been her side is something he never wanted to experience again.

And that’s half the problem that’s plaguing him now. He saw Grace in there, but she wasn’t the only person loved. Someone a long time ago now and like Grace, who still loved her first husband, he still loved them. So why didn’t he see them in there? Was it just because the loss of Grace was the rawest out of the two? Or has he stopped loving them altogether? That's not a thought he ever considered.

He exhales and swings his legs off the side of the bed while his mind spins with thoughts. Things he’s buried and ran away from long ago coming to the forefront. He leans his arms against his knees and rests his head in his hands as the memories flash through his mind.

A smile, a hug- Things they had to hide from people. Graham lifts his head up and stares at the brown leather jacket thrown against a chair in his room. He gets up, tired legs protesting, but he ignores them as he makes his way over to the jacket, his hand goes straight for the pocket where he keeps it, and he clasps his hand around the desired object and pulls it out.

Graham stares down at the small metal case, worn and scratched, but obviously cared for. He opens it and looks at the two photos in it, hands tracing each picture with care before closing it and holding it close to his chest. “Honestly,” He murmurs, voice slightly hoarse from lack of use. “You two probably think I’m being daft cause what I'm doing is amazing,” He takes a deep breath. “Wherever you both are.”

Graham stands there for a moment; jaw clenched tight as he tries to swallow down the lump in his throat. Sleep isn’t coming tonight, that’s obvious now, and he can’t stay cooped up in his room. He needs a long walk, and thankfully he’s in a ship that is unending. He turns and heads towards the door, one hand still gripped around the small case as he picks up his dressing gown and kicks on a pair of slippers. He takes one look at his bed before making a grab for the handle and opening it and entering the corridor.

There really isn’t a decision on where he’s going, he just picks a direction and walks and walks, hands placed in his pockets with his right still clasped around the case like a lifeline. There isn’t a point where he has to turn, but he does know he’s changing directions, but he trusts the ship not to allow him to get lost.

What he didn’t expect the ship to do was to lead him to an observatory of sorts. There is a sofa and a chair within it, both pointed at the deep expanse of space, and for a moment he wonders if it’s actually space as he walks into the room-

“Graham?” The Doc’s voice makes him jump, to wrapped up with looking into space to notice her sat within the chair. Her legs pulled up to her chest and a cup of something in her hand. “What are you doing up this late?”

Graham looks at her. “Needed a walk-” He looks around the room again. “I wasn’t really looking for anything in particular, Doc.” He says, still trying to divert the subject away because he knows what she’s going to ask.

“The TARDIS brought you here for a reason, Graham,” The Doctor says as she turns to look back out into the expanse. “I’m not going to make you talk to me, but you’re welcome to join me if you want.”

Well, that wasn’t what he was expecting. He walks into the room and takes a seat upon the sofa and stares into the black abyss with faint lights shining within it. “Is it real, Doc?” He gestures at it with his hand. "That."

The Doctor doesn’t turn to look at him as she answers. “It’s as real as you want it to be.”

Okay, that doesn’t make much sense, but who is he to argue about what is real within her ship. “Why are you here?” He asks.

This time she does turn to look at him. Her eyes are old and filled with an all too familiar feeling in them. “To think,” She says. “To remember.” She gets up from the chair and places the cup on the floor before coming to sit on the sofa with him. He’s on the right, she’s on the left, and their positions match each other. Legs planted firmly on the ground with hands dangled between them. “This was one of our favourite places.”

Graham turns to look at the Doctor, face questioning. “We?”

“Depends on who you ask,” The Doctor says as she glances at him. “But this was one of Rose’s.” She smiles, but it's sad. "She had lots of favourite places."

Graham brows crease together ever so slightly. That’s a name he’s never heard before. “Who was she?” He asks, wincing instantly when he realises that he doesn’t have a right to know the Doctor's past.

“Someone who helped me when I needed to see the light within the darkness,” The Doctor stares ahead as she says this and perhaps this is why she’s here staring into the inky blackness Graham muses.

Graham turns to look as well. “I miss her, Doc, and I miss-” He mumbles, trailing off at the end because he isn’t sure he wants to talk about them. “How do you cope with it?”

“I was honest when I said I carry them with me, Graham, each and every single person I have loved and lost, they are-” She gestures at her chest. “-they are carried within my hearts.” She turns to face him, eyes filled with a rare type of emotion from her. “And it makes me wonder why I never saw anyone in the Solitract.”

Graham stares back at her, tired mind catching up to what she means and he feels stupid. So stupid. Of course, he knows that the Doctor lost people, she never told him who she lost or how many she lost, and he didn’t ask. Didn’t need to, not when he understands loss and how much it hurts to talk about.

“But then,” She carries on while he watches her. “Who could’ve they picked? Anyone of them would’ve been important to me and to pick one above the other wouldn’t have been fair to their memory.”

Graham turns away from her and looks into the darkness, and then he looks to the case in his hand. He pictures their face, smiling and kind and healthy. Happy and loving. He looks back at the Doctor as he holds the case out for her to take. She trusted him with private information about herself; the least he could do is tell her about his life… and the one before Grace.

He catches her staring at the case. “Take it, but-” He stares at it and sighs. “-Grace wasn’t the only person I loved, and I’ve been thinking about why it picked her.” He flicks his eyes to hers. “Because like you said to pick one over the other wouldn’t have been fair.”

The Doctor nods and accepts it from Graham without a word, she rotates it in her hand and hesitates, eyes darting up to Graham. He nods his head at her giving her the permission she needs. Her hands carefully open the case, and he watches her as she looks at the pictures in it. One she would recognise straight away, but the other, she wouldn’t. No one he knows now would and maybe no one of Earth apart from him would as well.

She looks up with a questioning expression. “His name was James, he died.” There is a very brief moment of surprise that flashes across the Doctor’s face at that piece of information. “I don’t tell many people, Doc, and I’d rather you didn’t say anything as well,” Graham says. "Chalk it up to when I grew up."

“I won’t tell anyone, Graham, you can trust me on that.” The Doctor says in a sincere tone. “And I’m sorry.”

Graham motions for the case back. “It happened, nothing no one could’ve done about it at the time really.” He explains as he places the case back into his dressing gowns pocket. “Illness got him.”

The Doctor nods. “How long?”

“It’ll be coming up to thirty years soon,” He pauses. “We weren’t married, but we considered our relationship to be a marriage,” Graham reveals. He says nothing else for the time being, and neither does she. The silence between them is comfortable. “I spent my life after him looking for Grace, I think,” He says. “I don’t know; maybe I didn’t want the heartache again, and that's why it took so long to find her.”

“You always wonder if it’s worth it to love again, don’t you?” The Doctor says. “Each time you lose someone, there’s that part that wonders why you bother trying again.” Graham nods as he turns to look at her again. “It’s worth it.”

“But it hurts.”

The Doctor sighs and nods. “It does.”

“I loved Grace, and I loved him,” Graham states. “But I can’t help but wonder if I stopped loving him and that’s why it never picked him. The Solitract, I mean.”

The Doctor’s shoulders lower as she leans down. “You don’t stop loving them, Graham,”

“So why didn’t I see him?” Graham asks the question knowing she wouldn’t be able to answer it.

“I don’t know, Graham,” She says, turning her head to look at him. “Maybe the Solitract looked into the surface of your mind, took your most recent loss and made it real.” She says. “It was cruel, but it never meant to be cruel, it was just lonely.”

He knows this, heard what the Doctor said when it was just her and it alone together. How it was lonely, and how it longed to join them, but that doesn’t make it right what it did, how it pulled everything to the surface again. Grace at first and then someone he lost years ago. Two loses, two people to grieve and this time he can’t run away from them.

“I don’t want to feel this again, Doc,” Graham says, truthfully. “I don’t think I ever grieved for James.”

“What do you mean, Graham?”

“I ran, plain and simple really,” Graham explains. “Packed in my job, sold the flat and then moved around trying to put everything behind me.” He says, eyes looking forward. “It was a different time back then, and his family didn’t want a thing to do with him. I was lucky that I had parents that at least tried, his didn't. That meant everything was left to me to sort out because our friends were few and far between.” He steeples his hands together. “I had family and friends to help me with Grace, but with him, I had no one, and that’s why I ran away from grieving for him. I don't know; maybe I thought it helped at the time,” He says. “But in the end, I ran from Grace as well and started travelling with you.”

“You grew up in the eighties, didn’t you?” The Doctor says. “Obviously.” She adds on.

“They sucked,” Graham says. “But he died in the early nineties, as I said, illness got him.” He frowns. “Like it would’ve got me if it wasn’t for Grace and who she was,” He looks at the Doctor again, and there’s a smile on his face. “She could make anyone laugh, even when you didn’t want to.” He chuckles. “It was like a superpower of hers, cause you’re lying there sick as a dog in your bed wondering if it’s all worth it and then she says a joke or sings something, and you get this little spark in your chest, you know, just something that makes you think, yeah, this might be worth it.”

“Rose could as well,” The Doctor says. “She made a difficult time worth it, and then I changed, and we had the best of times together again, but I lost her-” She speaks, and he listens, knowing that she doesn’t talk about her past from before. “-and kept losing people.”

“That can’t have been easy,” Graham says, and he knows it doesn’t really cover anything at all.

But she laughs, the sound lacking humour. “No, it wasn’t, and I swore off travelling with people.”

“So, what changed?”

She looks back at Graham again. “I changed again.” Graham frowns and a flash appears across her face. “You weren’t there when I told Ryan and Yaz that I used to be a white-haired Scotsman, were you?”

“Ryan mentioned something, but I chalked it up to you being a bit frazzled if I’m honest, cause, I mean you did fall through the roof of a train and all.”

“Spose I did,” The Doctor says with a slight smile. “Regeneration is a lottery; you never know what you’re exactly going to get.”

“Regeneration?” Graham frowns at her. “Don’t mean to be as blunt as a brick, Doc, but how many people have you been?”

The Doctor exhales and scrunches her face in thought “Technically, this is my Thirteenth face, but not my Thirteenth regeneration.”

“So the white-haired Scotsman, he was one of you?” Graham asks, and the Doctor nods. “I can’t imagine changing-”

“You have changed, Graham,” The Doctor interjects. “People go through so many changes, mine is quite literal in a sense, but yours, humans I mean, they’re subtle and happen over the course of years,” She says. “You wouldn’t spot them.”

Graham looks away from her and thinks over what she’s said. Has he changed? He’s got older that’s for sure, that’s something no human can escape from, but change? Possibly. He turns to look at the Doctor again. “That might be so, Doc, but I hardly think the changes I’ve gone through are as big as yours.”

She smiles at that and shrugs. “But they’re changes all the same, Graham, and that’s good.” She looks forward again and speaks in a voice so unlike hers and if he had to guess it would sound almost male in origin. It's still her voice but tinged with another. “_We all change when you think about it. We are all different people all through our lives, and that's okay, that's good you've got to keep moving so long as you remember all the people that you used to be._” Her eyes crease slightly. "A previous me said that and it stuck with me."

Graham waits to see if she’ll continue, but she doesn’t, so he turns to look into the abyss again. “And as long as you remember all the people who touched upon your life as well I guess,” He takes a breath. “For better or for worse.” He sighs. “I miss them both.”

“Would you have wanted to see James in there, Graham?”

That question stuns him for a moment. It’s something he didn’t think about. He wondered why he didn’t see him, but he never wondered if he wanted to see him. It would’ve opened up a lot of questions, and maybe that’s a blessing. “It was bad enough seeing Grace, Doc,” Graham says in the end. “If I was to see him, someone who has been gone for over half my life-” He pauses. “I honestly don’t know what you could’ve done to get me to leave because the Grace in there, it wasn’t her. She would’ve never let me leave Ryan by himself, that’s how I knew for certain.” He looks down to the floor. “But if it picked James, made me look into his eyes, his smile, then I don’t know if I would’ve realised, Doc.”

There’s silence between them again. He never planned on telling her about James, but he supposes it helps in a way. He does think about the man when it’s the anniversary of his death, but any other time he buries it and hides from it.

Graham leans back against the sofa and brings a hand to his face, pressing it against his tired eyes when a realisation hits him. “I acted like my dad did when my mum died.” He says through his hand. “Got rid of everything cause I couldn’t bear to look at it.”

“People do all sorts in regards to grief, Graham,” The Doctor says. "That was your way of dealing with it at the time."

“Yeah, they do,” Graham replies, thoughts drifting to Aaron and how he didn’t attend Grace’s funeral. “You don’t have to answer, but-” He removes his hand from his face and looks at the Doctor. “Did you want to see anyone in there?”

The Doctor’s eyes dart away from his. “All the people the Solitract could’ve shown me are long gone now, Graham,” Her hands play with a loose thread from the sofa. “Rose is in another universe; River is in the Library, Missy is-” She trails off at the mention of that name. “-The others-” She looks up and takes a breath. “Are gone now.” She looks to Graham now. “I think the Solitract picked you because you wear your grief on your sleeve, and the only other person it intruded on was Erik.”

Graham knits his brows together. “Our grief was the same.” The Doctor nods. “But so is yours.”

“When you’ve lived as long as I have, Graham, it’s hard to separate each individual case from the other, and maybe that’s why it didn’t try with me.”

Graham smiles sadly. “Two were enough for me, Doc,” He looks to the Doctor. “I couldn’t imagine more.”

“I wouldn’t want you to, Graham.” The Doctor states. “You couldn’t sleep, could you?” The Doctor questions and Graham knows she knows the answer to that already. "That's why you're here."

“I tried,” Graham answers anyway. “Couldn’t settle my head.” He breathes out. “You know, today wasn’t all bad though,” He smiles. “Ryan called me Grandad.” He fishes out the case again and stares at it. “That means wherever Grace is; she’s smiling down on us.”

“Keep them within your heart, Graham,” The Doctor says. “Both of them.”

He nods. “I never let go of James, and I don’t plan on letting go of Grace,” He frowns. “I mean-” What does he mean? “Their memories stay with me; that’s something I want to hold onto.” He exhales and looks out into the darkness again, and the Doctor joins him. "But I think I'm ready to grieve for them now."

They both sat in quiet contemplation; the only sound between them is the thrum of the ship herself. Neither ones truly knows how long they sit there for. Is it an hour or two? Maybe more. Either way, Graham couldn’t tell you as his eyes get heavy. He feels one thing before dropping off altogether, and that’s someone gently lowering him onto his side and then placing something under his head.

Someone, he assumes is the Doctor, says something above him, but he’s too tired to listen to them as blissful unconsciousness hits him. His last waking moments consist of Grace and James, two people he loved and two people he’ll never forget.


End file.
